But it's almost 11 and I need to go to the bank and figure out why my new ATM card hasn't arrived.
So I'll dazzle ya some other time. Have a lovely weekend.
Oh, shut up. You didn't come here to read. I have archives, you know. I'm going to shut this one down and reconfigure and start working on some typical Cari writing, more true to my style with publishing in mind, not blabbering.
Take now, for instance.
Medicated X One Year. Yeah, it's working.
Later.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Catching you up....
What can I tell you about my first year of ADHD medication? A few things. I still feel like a sell out, and in truth, I'm not taking it because I believe it helps curb the negative symptoms of ADHD. I am taking a pill so others can feel better about me. I am also taking it because I have lost 31 lbs. since October. I am ready for cooler weather so I can start walking and see if I can get back to losing, cause I've stalled out. Finally, I'm taking it because my kids say there's a huge difference. Especially in trips to Wal-Mart.
The only way I know how to explain my difficulty shopping is this: if you go to the store for a certain product, you will return with that product, maybe an impulse item or two. Not me. I will go to the shampoo aisle, say, and instead of seeing an aisle with shampoo and grabbing the ONE I like and always use, I see one million individual bottles in all the colors and sizes, and I have to inspect each one to make my decision. Now, you compound that with everything else on my normal grocery list, you'll understand. Many times I'll go for one thing, spend $200 on impluse items, and get home without what I went for anyway.
I did notice when I went sans-pill to WalMart, it was a very long and frustrating trip. And I lost my car. Sighhhh.....
The only way I know how to explain my difficulty shopping is this: if you go to the store for a certain product, you will return with that product, maybe an impulse item or two. Not me. I will go to the shampoo aisle, say, and instead of seeing an aisle with shampoo and grabbing the ONE I like and always use, I see one million individual bottles in all the colors and sizes, and I have to inspect each one to make my decision. Now, you compound that with everything else on my normal grocery list, you'll understand. Many times I'll go for one thing, spend $200 on impluse items, and get home without what I went for anyway.
I did notice when I went sans-pill to WalMart, it was a very long and frustrating trip. And I lost my car. Sighhhh.....
Monday, January 05, 2009
Radiate
Moses was a cool guy. I love studying the Old Testament, but I'm especially drawn to Moses right now. What a passion he had for people! If you read about God's anger against the Israelites in their idolatry, you then see Moses pleading for their lives, offering to give his own in their place. Paul did the same thing, but get this: Paul had the knowledge that God would not allow that; he knew that a man could only answer for his own sin. Moses had no idea. He only knew that God required death for sin, and that a sacrifice was acceptable. Moses really and truly offered to go to hell for those people in earnest. How heavy his heart must have been as he went to be with God, to offer his own life!
Moses spent a lot of time with God. In fact, so much so that he got to speak to Him face to face, like a friend. He didn't get to see His face, but He did get to have intimate conversation with Him! God even allowed Moses to see all of His goodness, and He proclaimed His name. The Lord! The Lord! The compassionate God! What must it have been like to hear His voice?
Later, the people stood at their tents to watch Moses go and speak to God. Moses, who radiated the glory of God, was going to speak to God for the people. It occurs to me that I am not content to watch someone else display the glory of God and to speak to Him for me. I want to be with God. I want to radiate His glory, and to stand as a witness of Him!
Moses spent a lot of time with God. In fact, so much so that he got to speak to Him face to face, like a friend. He didn't get to see His face, but He did get to have intimate conversation with Him! God even allowed Moses to see all of His goodness, and He proclaimed His name. The Lord! The Lord! The compassionate God! What must it have been like to hear His voice?
Later, the people stood at their tents to watch Moses go and speak to God. Moses, who radiated the glory of God, was going to speak to God for the people. It occurs to me that I am not content to watch someone else display the glory of God and to speak to Him for me. I want to be with God. I want to radiate His glory, and to stand as a witness of Him!
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Chemically Enhanced
Well, I decided not to blog every experience of every day. It kind of dawned on me that I was over-analyzing, so I've decided to just get on with the trial and look back and notice things. I've noticed that taking a stimulant with no sleep is stupid. Your body is exhausted and doesn't want to move but your mouth didn't get the memo. It's how I would describe being possessed, I suppose. I've also noticed that if I take it super early, then get home and take melatonin around 8, I sleep well. But still wake up spinning. And then there's the urge just to open my mouth and let everything in my brain spill out. I see more of a need for organization but really no ability to prioritize and do what needs to be done. It's like hyperfocus, all day every day. I seem to have lost the ability to jump from project to project.
I don't know if the omega-3 pill is doing anything, but it's good for my heart so I'll keep taking it. I love the idea of a daily vitamin.
My appetite is still gone. I eat a little each day, and then when the pill wears off I'm hungry and have to be careful about what I eat. I'll weigh at the end of next week to see if I changed any.
That's all. I'm good. Sunday was a great day, today not too bad, I'm just going to have to relearn some things. Honestly, if I can't work it out by the end of the trial and I haven't lost weight, I'll not refill. I feel like a sell-out taking it anyway.
I don't know if the omega-3 pill is doing anything, but it's good for my heart so I'll keep taking it. I love the idea of a daily vitamin.
My appetite is still gone. I eat a little each day, and then when the pill wears off I'm hungry and have to be careful about what I eat. I'll weigh at the end of next week to see if I changed any.
That's all. I'm good. Sunday was a great day, today not too bad, I'm just going to have to relearn some things. Honestly, if I can't work it out by the end of the trial and I haven't lost weight, I'll not refill. I feel like a sell-out taking it anyway.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Official Day One
7:45am. I took my first correct dose. By 9 I was happy and chatty. No racing heart, no rush, but by 9:30 I felt a little warm and euphoric. It's not enough to tell if there is a difference, or if I am feeling relief after my 2 crazy days (previous post), or if it's a psychological high from the idea of being high. I am extremely energetic today, talkative, and per a co-worker, intensely focused, and I seem to not tolerate distractions well. Where before I was resigned to quickly shifting focus from task to task and then forgetting to go back, now I feel like a pitbull with my jaws locked and no intention of letting go. Maybe not that intense. It is 2:15 and I have no interest in eating. I skipped lunch because I was too busy to eat (that does NOT happen in my world) and have no interest in eating now. I will eat dinner tonite and try to get myself on a healthy diet, so that I get nutrition. If this remains permanent I think I could probably get on a real-live healthy diet, eating only what I need to and not everything that looks good.
Seriously, I could turn down fried food right now and not blink an eye. Nothing sounds good.
Derek said that I was strangely talkative this am from the time I got up. I didn't sleep great last nite even after 2 melatonin-I kept waking up and feeling an annoyance that it was too light in our room. It's possible that I woke up just as the first lights were making the black sky blue, and after fully waking just remembered it as all night, but I don't think so. Could I have heightened senses? I remember also being really aware of scent. Not bad, not good, just scent.
Right now I feel really good, having a good day, am tapping and drumming a lot. This is not a magical pill that has caused me to become Martha Stewart, but last night I caught myself squirting toilet cleaner in the loo while brushing my teeth, which I did obsessively for several minutes. My teeth, not the loo. Turns out, when you do that and wait awhile to flush, it sort of cleans itself. This morning I was in a decent mood instead of my normal brooding self, and I just started doing the dishes before work. And again brushed my teeth obsessively for several minutes.
Even with the generally good feeling, I am suspicious and cautious. I am not comfortable feeling good. I know that may be hard to understand, but basically I was comfortable and accustomed to my life. A better me may not be me, and I do't know that I want to be anyone else. I don't want to have to relearn life skills such as socialization and how to clean a toilet. How come I didn't know that before? That seems pretty basic. It's like on the old Rugrats show where Chucky got tired of being conspicuous with red hair so he colored it black. Then no one noticed him, like he was invisible, which he hated. I guess I have a need for attention and fear just being "one in the crowd." Change is always viewed with suspicion, and I may actually have to go thru grief stages if the "me" I knew is dying. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. In any order, at any pace, and randomly switching from one to the other and back again until full acceptance is acheived. But that's just a medical/psychological thing that I may be reading too much into or making too much out of. I seem pretty preoccupied with this. Better get my mind back to work and quit dwelling.
Anyway, that's as up-to-date as today will get because I have church tonite. Unless there are important symptoms to report, this is all. Oh-no facial twitch today. Maybe that was stress.
Seriously, I could turn down fried food right now and not blink an eye. Nothing sounds good.
Derek said that I was strangely talkative this am from the time I got up. I didn't sleep great last nite even after 2 melatonin-I kept waking up and feeling an annoyance that it was too light in our room. It's possible that I woke up just as the first lights were making the black sky blue, and after fully waking just remembered it as all night, but I don't think so. Could I have heightened senses? I remember also being really aware of scent. Not bad, not good, just scent.
Right now I feel really good, having a good day, am tapping and drumming a lot. This is not a magical pill that has caused me to become Martha Stewart, but last night I caught myself squirting toilet cleaner in the loo while brushing my teeth, which I did obsessively for several minutes. My teeth, not the loo. Turns out, when you do that and wait awhile to flush, it sort of cleans itself. This morning I was in a decent mood instead of my normal brooding self, and I just started doing the dishes before work. And again brushed my teeth obsessively for several minutes.
Even with the generally good feeling, I am suspicious and cautious. I am not comfortable feeling good. I know that may be hard to understand, but basically I was comfortable and accustomed to my life. A better me may not be me, and I do't know that I want to be anyone else. I don't want to have to relearn life skills such as socialization and how to clean a toilet. How come I didn't know that before? That seems pretty basic. It's like on the old Rugrats show where Chucky got tired of being conspicuous with red hair so he colored it black. Then no one noticed him, like he was invisible, which he hated. I guess I have a need for attention and fear just being "one in the crowd." Change is always viewed with suspicion, and I may actually have to go thru grief stages if the "me" I knew is dying. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. In any order, at any pace, and randomly switching from one to the other and back again until full acceptance is acheived. But that's just a medical/psychological thing that I may be reading too much into or making too much out of. I seem pretty preoccupied with this. Better get my mind back to work and quit dwelling.
Anyway, that's as up-to-date as today will get because I have church tonite. Unless there are important symptoms to report, this is all. Oh-no facial twitch today. Maybe that was stress.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I changed my mind. Sue me.
I know what I said. 100% against medication for ADHD. The counselor made a compelling arguement, though, and although I don't believe you should have to argue your patients into medications they are uneasy about, medically his research was mostly sound. I will not post or share his name as this is not a blog for or against him personally or professionally. And so I don't misremember, he wasn't inappropriately pushy.
This will be the objective (I hope) journal of my 30 day trial with Vyvanse. It is a way that I can have some sort of record of my experience. For those of you who know me and read me, I would love your feed back, especially if you see me a lot and notice any changes, negative or positive, that could be attributed to medication. My family is under strict orders to flush the meds if I seem unnaturally agitated or anxious after a few days of adjustment, or if I get weird, bad-edgy, lethargic, stupid, or turn into a Stepford Wife. My daughter is under strict order to shoot Derek and flush the meds if I become a Stepford Wife and he doesn't let on. My kids have permission to go stay at grandma's (any grandma's, preferably in another state) if they hear me complain about the wire hangers. (I don't like them for my clothes because you get shoulder-nipples in your sweaters, but they come in handy when I lock myself out of my car, an unfortunate and frequent habit of ADHD people. But really, they're just wire hangers. If I get freaky about it...)
If you are afraid of me for any reason and don't want to honestly tell me how you feel about my decision or any side effects you notice, you can tell Derek and he will anonymously post for you. That way, I'm getting feedback. I promise as your friend not to hold any comments against you or take offense for what you say. I don't need any help adjusting my personality, so this is not an opportunity for you to "fix" things about me that you didn't like before. I will know. And I will find you. I might add that I'm not sure this is the best time for strong negative opinions; if you feel you need to be ugly, then come to me personally and I'll show you why God gives some of us red hair, and why you're really lucky we're only 1% of the world. Seriously, though, I appreciate your honest opinion stated in love for me, your dear friend. Any fears about my taking medication are appreciated and understood, but you can't possibly be more concerned or worried than I am. Rest assured that I have been praying and seeking counsel, researching diligently, and have multiple plans with family and medical and mental health professionals in place should anyone (who knows me intimately) see any problems. Really, that is all the further you need to read unless you're interested in the minutae and tedium of what happened today. Should you decide to read on, note the following disclaimer-it may not be appropriate for the genteel with its vague hormonal references, and really, it's pretty dull and basically just a personal medical record of sorts. Absent the details, of course. I would be happy (probably disproportionately so) to answer any questions you have about ADHD as a medical issue (not at all psychological, though it has many mental and psychosocial manifestations) as it is a totally exciting, fascinating, and bewildering thing. But then, I kind of have this obsessive self-focus thing going on.
OK, so day one. I picked up my medication and even though the pharmacist said I should start fresh in the morning, I went ahead and took a pill this afternoon. One GLARING warning of this medication, which the counselor, prescribing MD and, disappointingly even the pharmacist deny, is a tendency toward addiction. This is an issue I will take up with them at my follow-up appointments. At about 5pm, a few hours after I took it, I did feel a little euphoria which was not at all unpleasant. I was seeing patients in their homes (literally, not hallucenogenically) and felt rather happy to see them, and extremely chatty. This is my way, to be chatty, but not with an elated euphoric feeling. If you've ever taken an opiate drug for pain (Lortab, Vicodin, hydrocodone, Percocet...) and LIKED it, this very much mimics the euphoric effects in strength but not duration. An addict may be prone to try and recapture or extend that feeling by over-dosing (not overdosing). Derek will be handling my pills for the duration of the experiment, because while I don't feel any kind of need or desire to take another pill, I rather liked the warmth and general feeling of well-being. By 5:15 I was merrily on my way home from my last patient's house about 5 miles from my own. Strangely, I chose to take South Western, which is best avoided at all times, but especially at this time. I had gone a full 2 miles when I realized I was going 35 mph behind an old man, contentedly tapping my fingers on the seat with no music playing. 3 extremely uncharacteristic traits-driving slowly without feeling road rage (the mild kind, not the murderous kind) drumming happily to no music, and not needing music blaring to take the edge off. Classic rock. BobFM or 107.7. Just in case you were wondering. I then realized that I felt hyper-aware of stuff going on around me: I noticed the car in front of me braking, felt the lanes around me that were clear or congested, and just had a level-headed feeling. I am an edgy, fast, and fairly dangerous driver. A recent news story said that there were questions about whether or not ADHD people were safe behind the wheel. For us, yes. For you, honestly, I have to say not. In my case, I have had several speeding tickets (I honestly do not feel I am going that fast, especially on open roads with little traffic, including rush hour) and a couple of accidents.
Well, by 6ish, I had come home and showered, (it's a nurse thing, I think) and Derek, who was off today, called me to dinner. Yes, we have Stepford Husband days. I came to eat the most perfect spicy grilled chicken on baby spring mix salad, with a corn and black bean dip and chips, and as of now, 9:10pm, I have been picking at a moderate serving for almost two hours. This is good food, and I have little appetite.
My kids have gone to their rooms because I am feeling this uncomfortable anxious feeling and things (noise, movement, activity) are getting on my nerves. It could be hormonal which is appropriate today (sorry guys-you were warned) or it could be because I have had a very long and exciting couple of days. Yesterday was chaotic and exciting, then as I began preparing for my appointment today, I called an old friend from my ER days who is a drug counselor and one of the most honest people I've ever known. We haven't spoken in about 3 years, since I left the ER and a little after, and I was devestated to learn he'd lost his battle with cancer. Last year. No one would have known to call me, so I can't be angry, but I cried myself to sleep with this tremendous sense of loss. I took melatonin as usual but couldn't sleep until around midnightish, and woke around 5:30. I say all that because on a good, busy ADHD day it isn't abnormal to have a type of depression or "day after Christmas" let down, and since I've been on sensory overload since about 9am yesterday, I could be facing that. Kind of like marathon runners who get depressed after finishing a race they've been preparing for.
See what I mean about chatty?
Right now, I think the agitation is wearing off. I looked at my plate just now sitting beside me and saw this strange wavy pattern, sort of like the reflection of fan blades, but not. Maybe more like gas fumes, but just on my plate. Ashton finally came back in to talk to me and I didn't feel at all bothered by her. That's not hormonal. Hormonal is all day. I've either chilled out from my long day, or it's the med wearing off.
I don't feel at all sleepy so I'm going to double up on my melatonin tonite to be sure I get a good night's sleep, and then start again in the morning. I can't believe how much I've written. This is like ADHD hyperfocus, but I can't say it's as great as hyperfocus, yet. We'll see when I am taking these pills regular. If so, look for my novel to be out later this fall.
Agitation is gone, strange vision has gone, and I feel kind of normal. My face has been twitchy for about two hours. I forgot to mention that. I feel like I could stay and write but I really need to make myself get on a good sleep schedule.
This will be the objective (I hope) journal of my 30 day trial with Vyvanse. It is a way that I can have some sort of record of my experience. For those of you who know me and read me, I would love your feed back, especially if you see me a lot and notice any changes, negative or positive, that could be attributed to medication. My family is under strict orders to flush the meds if I seem unnaturally agitated or anxious after a few days of adjustment, or if I get weird, bad-edgy, lethargic, stupid, or turn into a Stepford Wife. My daughter is under strict order to shoot Derek and flush the meds if I become a Stepford Wife and he doesn't let on. My kids have permission to go stay at grandma's (any grandma's, preferably in another state) if they hear me complain about the wire hangers. (I don't like them for my clothes because you get shoulder-nipples in your sweaters, but they come in handy when I lock myself out of my car, an unfortunate and frequent habit of ADHD people. But really, they're just wire hangers. If I get freaky about it...)
If you are afraid of me for any reason and don't want to honestly tell me how you feel about my decision or any side effects you notice, you can tell Derek and he will anonymously post for you. That way, I'm getting feedback. I promise as your friend not to hold any comments against you or take offense for what you say. I don't need any help adjusting my personality, so this is not an opportunity for you to "fix" things about me that you didn't like before. I will know. And I will find you. I might add that I'm not sure this is the best time for strong negative opinions; if you feel you need to be ugly, then come to me personally and I'll show you why God gives some of us red hair, and why you're really lucky we're only 1% of the world. Seriously, though, I appreciate your honest opinion stated in love for me, your dear friend. Any fears about my taking medication are appreciated and understood, but you can't possibly be more concerned or worried than I am. Rest assured that I have been praying and seeking counsel, researching diligently, and have multiple plans with family and medical and mental health professionals in place should anyone (who knows me intimately) see any problems. Really, that is all the further you need to read unless you're interested in the minutae and tedium of what happened today. Should you decide to read on, note the following disclaimer-it may not be appropriate for the genteel with its vague hormonal references, and really, it's pretty dull and basically just a personal medical record of sorts. Absent the details, of course. I would be happy (probably disproportionately so) to answer any questions you have about ADHD as a medical issue (not at all psychological, though it has many mental and psychosocial manifestations) as it is a totally exciting, fascinating, and bewildering thing. But then, I kind of have this obsessive self-focus thing going on.
OK, so day one. I picked up my medication and even though the pharmacist said I should start fresh in the morning, I went ahead and took a pill this afternoon. One GLARING warning of this medication, which the counselor, prescribing MD and, disappointingly even the pharmacist deny, is a tendency toward addiction. This is an issue I will take up with them at my follow-up appointments. At about 5pm, a few hours after I took it, I did feel a little euphoria which was not at all unpleasant. I was seeing patients in their homes (literally, not hallucenogenically) and felt rather happy to see them, and extremely chatty. This is my way, to be chatty, but not with an elated euphoric feeling. If you've ever taken an opiate drug for pain (Lortab, Vicodin, hydrocodone, Percocet...) and LIKED it, this very much mimics the euphoric effects in strength but not duration. An addict may be prone to try and recapture or extend that feeling by over-dosing (not overdosing). Derek will be handling my pills for the duration of the experiment, because while I don't feel any kind of need or desire to take another pill, I rather liked the warmth and general feeling of well-being. By 5:15 I was merrily on my way home from my last patient's house about 5 miles from my own. Strangely, I chose to take South Western, which is best avoided at all times, but especially at this time. I had gone a full 2 miles when I realized I was going 35 mph behind an old man, contentedly tapping my fingers on the seat with no music playing. 3 extremely uncharacteristic traits-driving slowly without feeling road rage (the mild kind, not the murderous kind) drumming happily to no music, and not needing music blaring to take the edge off. Classic rock. BobFM or 107.7. Just in case you were wondering. I then realized that I felt hyper-aware of stuff going on around me: I noticed the car in front of me braking, felt the lanes around me that were clear or congested, and just had a level-headed feeling. I am an edgy, fast, and fairly dangerous driver. A recent news story said that there were questions about whether or not ADHD people were safe behind the wheel. For us, yes. For you, honestly, I have to say not. In my case, I have had several speeding tickets (I honestly do not feel I am going that fast, especially on open roads with little traffic, including rush hour) and a couple of accidents.
Well, by 6ish, I had come home and showered, (it's a nurse thing, I think) and Derek, who was off today, called me to dinner. Yes, we have Stepford Husband days. I came to eat the most perfect spicy grilled chicken on baby spring mix salad, with a corn and black bean dip and chips, and as of now, 9:10pm, I have been picking at a moderate serving for almost two hours. This is good food, and I have little appetite.
My kids have gone to their rooms because I am feeling this uncomfortable anxious feeling and things (noise, movement, activity) are getting on my nerves. It could be hormonal which is appropriate today (sorry guys-you were warned) or it could be because I have had a very long and exciting couple of days. Yesterday was chaotic and exciting, then as I began preparing for my appointment today, I called an old friend from my ER days who is a drug counselor and one of the most honest people I've ever known. We haven't spoken in about 3 years, since I left the ER and a little after, and I was devestated to learn he'd lost his battle with cancer. Last year. No one would have known to call me, so I can't be angry, but I cried myself to sleep with this tremendous sense of loss. I took melatonin as usual but couldn't sleep until around midnightish, and woke around 5:30. I say all that because on a good, busy ADHD day it isn't abnormal to have a type of depression or "day after Christmas" let down, and since I've been on sensory overload since about 9am yesterday, I could be facing that. Kind of like marathon runners who get depressed after finishing a race they've been preparing for.
See what I mean about chatty?
Right now, I think the agitation is wearing off. I looked at my plate just now sitting beside me and saw this strange wavy pattern, sort of like the reflection of fan blades, but not. Maybe more like gas fumes, but just on my plate. Ashton finally came back in to talk to me and I didn't feel at all bothered by her. That's not hormonal. Hormonal is all day. I've either chilled out from my long day, or it's the med wearing off.
I don't feel at all sleepy so I'm going to double up on my melatonin tonite to be sure I get a good night's sleep, and then start again in the morning. I can't believe how much I've written. This is like ADHD hyperfocus, but I can't say it's as great as hyperfocus, yet. We'll see when I am taking these pills regular. If so, look for my novel to be out later this fall.
Agitation is gone, strange vision has gone, and I feel kind of normal. My face has been twitchy for about two hours. I forgot to mention that. I feel like I could stay and write but I really need to make myself get on a good sleep schedule.
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