Never a lost cause

There are many days when I think, that's it. My shooting star has burned out, and my nursing career is over. Burn out is a big problem in the health industry with the nursing shortage. It gets exhausting taking care of all of those patients alone, wishing you had a way out, a break, a respite from it all. I labour in vain, I sometimes think. I see all of these people come in, but many never leave alive. I see them get worse instead of better despite our best efforts, and it gets frustrating. It just gets old. I know that this is what happens when you have a very sick person come in. They aren't all older people. They are sometimes young. My age.

Then I think of the crazy Scottish patient we had who came in kicking and screaming. She was anxious, combative, pulling out every line we put into her, over and over again. She was confused-a true psych patient-with whom I have no training. She wore me out. When we signed in each morning, we'd groan if we were assigned to her. She was a full days work all on her own. But today she left. She walked out on her own power (after the wheel chair ride) and went to a place where she'd continue more intensive rehab. And I was sad, as I rarely ever am with patients. Amazing, I thought, that a few weeks ago she was a total drain, and now had become a complete joy. She was getting better. She was alert, motivated, and full of hope for a new tomorrow. I had grown to love her. When I pulled her old restraints out of the dresser and ceremoniously threw them out, I asked her if she wanted to take them with, just in case. "You take 'em home," she said, "and see how much fun they are." Um...thanks...but...no.

And now her room is silent. Not silent with death. But a quiet hope that she'd be better and home again soon. Her call light isn't going to buzz any longer. What did I gain from her? A reminder not to give up on people, even if theirs seems a lost cause.

I must look like a lost cause. Jesus didn't think so, even though the world would give up on me. He believed that so much that He died for me. To date, He is the only One to ever do that. I don't expect any more takers before my death or rapture. Did Jesus ever want to give up? No. It says in the Bible that He got tired, and He went away to rest. But when He got to where He was going, the crowd intercepted Him, crying "Feed me! Minister to my needs!" And you know what? He did. He loved them, even though He was mourning the loss of John and was looking closely into the face of death Himself. How can I strive to be more like Him? How can I be faithful in my frustration and weariness?

I can't. But I can give it to Him. He is my refuge, my rest. My respite. My Redeemer.

Date of rememberance

I said I could pinpoint an exact date that God began dealing with me in regards to the television. I found the date(s). One day was on January 18 between 10:15 and 11:00am. So it only took me 4 months to obey. It took Abe way longer, so I don't feel as guilty as I once did. Although for those of you who care I know I'm not suppopsed to measure myself against Abe. Only Jesus. But last night came the first test. Night one without satellite or network television. I pouted. I told Derek I was like Jonah, crawling under the fig tree and pouting, and I just needed time to grieve. It's a process. Derek pointed out that Jonah didn't crawl under a fig tree, he built himself a shelter, and then God grew a vine to comfort him, and then sent a worm to eat it. Whatever. Let me grieve without the criticism.

Wow. What would it be like if I had to lay down something big? What if God called me to sacrifice my kid like He did Abraham? Would I go willingly, knowing that God doesn't require human sacrifice, and that He is faithful to protect and provide? I don't know. The t.v. seems so trivial. Yet here I am, two blogs in one week.

I wasn't doing anything else.

I cast down my Idols. It was harder than I thought...

God deals with us in different ways. Sometimes so audibly you would dare to believe He actually spoke. And didn't He? Such was the case several weeks ago (I can actually pinpoint this in notes, but my notes aren't on me...) I was doing a Bible study on Abraham and Isaac, and God began to impress on me that I had things in my life that I put before Him. How ironic that my particular idol was...Idol. American Idol to be precise. I'm ashamed that it took me so long to obey and turn off my tv, which I knew was exactly what I was supposed to do. It wasn't a question, it wasn't a guilt feeling or a thought that I needed to just "get away" from the tv awhile. I felt like that would be taking the golden calf in my life and throwing a prayer cloth over its head, or turning it towards the wall.

For all you Idol watchers, I don't think you need to turn off your tv. I don't think that anything is "bad" about American Idol. In fact, it's pretty wholesome, which is unusual on tv these days. But an idol doesn't have to be bad or evil in its nature to become a bad thing in our lives. When God impresses on our hearts to stop something, whether it's good or bad, we shouldn't question, but obey.

I'm a little slow, but several weeks later I did it. It was so difficult. First of all, just try to cut off your satellite or cable service. They have so many enticing deals that would make it easy to justify keeping "partial service", telling you how much cheaper it will be if you should decide to turn it back on. ETC. After all I have been a valuable customer for...much too long. Plus the emotional drain of turning it off...I will miss it, truly. I still have network television and that's ok, but I turned off the portion of it that was draining my time and taking my focus off of Christ.

I want Elliott Yamin to win American Idol. But he'll have to do it without me. (I wasn't actually voting...) Maybe someday I'll own his CDs. Even the whole boxed set. But until then, I know where I have to turn my eyes and my heart, and I know that God will bless even my smallest efforts.

God, I cast down my smallest idols. Amen.