Well, I decided not to blog every experience of every day. It kind of dawned on me that I was over-analyzing, so I've decided to just get on with the trial and look back and notice things. I've noticed that taking a stimulant with no sleep is stupid. Your body is exhausted and doesn't want to move but your mouth didn't get the memo. It's how I would describe being possessed, I suppose. I've also noticed that if I take it super early, then get home and take melatonin around 8, I sleep well. But still wake up spinning. And then there's the urge just to open my mouth and let everything in my brain spill out. I see more of a need for organization but really no ability to prioritize and do what needs to be done. It's like hyperfocus, all day every day. I seem to have lost the ability to jump from project to project.
I don't know if the omega-3 pill is doing anything, but it's good for my heart so I'll keep taking it. I love the idea of a daily vitamin.
My appetite is still gone. I eat a little each day, and then when the pill wears off I'm hungry and have to be careful about what I eat. I'll weigh at the end of next week to see if I changed any.
That's all. I'm good. Sunday was a great day, today not too bad, I'm just going to have to relearn some things. Honestly, if I can't work it out by the end of the trial and I haven't lost weight, I'll not refill. I feel like a sell-out taking it anyway.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Official Day One
7:45am. I took my first correct dose. By 9 I was happy and chatty. No racing heart, no rush, but by 9:30 I felt a little warm and euphoric. It's not enough to tell if there is a difference, or if I am feeling relief after my 2 crazy days (previous post), or if it's a psychological high from the idea of being high. I am extremely energetic today, talkative, and per a co-worker, intensely focused, and I seem to not tolerate distractions well. Where before I was resigned to quickly shifting focus from task to task and then forgetting to go back, now I feel like a pitbull with my jaws locked and no intention of letting go. Maybe not that intense. It is 2:15 and I have no interest in eating. I skipped lunch because I was too busy to eat (that does NOT happen in my world) and have no interest in eating now. I will eat dinner tonite and try to get myself on a healthy diet, so that I get nutrition. If this remains permanent I think I could probably get on a real-live healthy diet, eating only what I need to and not everything that looks good.
Seriously, I could turn down fried food right now and not blink an eye. Nothing sounds good.
Derek said that I was strangely talkative this am from the time I got up. I didn't sleep great last nite even after 2 melatonin-I kept waking up and feeling an annoyance that it was too light in our room. It's possible that I woke up just as the first lights were making the black sky blue, and after fully waking just remembered it as all night, but I don't think so. Could I have heightened senses? I remember also being really aware of scent. Not bad, not good, just scent.
Right now I feel really good, having a good day, am tapping and drumming a lot. This is not a magical pill that has caused me to become Martha Stewart, but last night I caught myself squirting toilet cleaner in the loo while brushing my teeth, which I did obsessively for several minutes. My teeth, not the loo. Turns out, when you do that and wait awhile to flush, it sort of cleans itself. This morning I was in a decent mood instead of my normal brooding self, and I just started doing the dishes before work. And again brushed my teeth obsessively for several minutes.
Even with the generally good feeling, I am suspicious and cautious. I am not comfortable feeling good. I know that may be hard to understand, but basically I was comfortable and accustomed to my life. A better me may not be me, and I do't know that I want to be anyone else. I don't want to have to relearn life skills such as socialization and how to clean a toilet. How come I didn't know that before? That seems pretty basic. It's like on the old Rugrats show where Chucky got tired of being conspicuous with red hair so he colored it black. Then no one noticed him, like he was invisible, which he hated. I guess I have a need for attention and fear just being "one in the crowd." Change is always viewed with suspicion, and I may actually have to go thru grief stages if the "me" I knew is dying. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. In any order, at any pace, and randomly switching from one to the other and back again until full acceptance is acheived. But that's just a medical/psychological thing that I may be reading too much into or making too much out of. I seem pretty preoccupied with this. Better get my mind back to work and quit dwelling.
Anyway, that's as up-to-date as today will get because I have church tonite. Unless there are important symptoms to report, this is all. Oh-no facial twitch today. Maybe that was stress.
Seriously, I could turn down fried food right now and not blink an eye. Nothing sounds good.
Derek said that I was strangely talkative this am from the time I got up. I didn't sleep great last nite even after 2 melatonin-I kept waking up and feeling an annoyance that it was too light in our room. It's possible that I woke up just as the first lights were making the black sky blue, and after fully waking just remembered it as all night, but I don't think so. Could I have heightened senses? I remember also being really aware of scent. Not bad, not good, just scent.
Right now I feel really good, having a good day, am tapping and drumming a lot. This is not a magical pill that has caused me to become Martha Stewart, but last night I caught myself squirting toilet cleaner in the loo while brushing my teeth, which I did obsessively for several minutes. My teeth, not the loo. Turns out, when you do that and wait awhile to flush, it sort of cleans itself. This morning I was in a decent mood instead of my normal brooding self, and I just started doing the dishes before work. And again brushed my teeth obsessively for several minutes.
Even with the generally good feeling, I am suspicious and cautious. I am not comfortable feeling good. I know that may be hard to understand, but basically I was comfortable and accustomed to my life. A better me may not be me, and I do't know that I want to be anyone else. I don't want to have to relearn life skills such as socialization and how to clean a toilet. How come I didn't know that before? That seems pretty basic. It's like on the old Rugrats show where Chucky got tired of being conspicuous with red hair so he colored it black. Then no one noticed him, like he was invisible, which he hated. I guess I have a need for attention and fear just being "one in the crowd." Change is always viewed with suspicion, and I may actually have to go thru grief stages if the "me" I knew is dying. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. In any order, at any pace, and randomly switching from one to the other and back again until full acceptance is acheived. But that's just a medical/psychological thing that I may be reading too much into or making too much out of. I seem pretty preoccupied with this. Better get my mind back to work and quit dwelling.
Anyway, that's as up-to-date as today will get because I have church tonite. Unless there are important symptoms to report, this is all. Oh-no facial twitch today. Maybe that was stress.
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