All Better Now

Wow. I hate being mad. I don't like who I become. I don't know how I fly past righteous anger about something done wrong into self-righteous anger where I'm determined to stew in my own juices. Maybe just the idea of being right, I don't know. So how do I get thru a crisis without letting the redhead free? I wish I had that answer. I know the Bible says that a soft answer turns away wrath, but I WANTED wrath. I halfway wished that he would have thrown some verbal punches and we could just have it all out right there, and in the end he would change from a pitiful, neglectful absentee father into a responsible, respectable man willing to make up for the years of emotional abuse and neglect and bla, bla, bla.

Maybe that's my motivation. To fix something that is so far out of my control that it would be a miracle if I pulled it off. I. Me. So arrogant. When do I drop it and walk away, and let God heal my hurts and the hurts of my kids, and why does this sort of emotion show up when I think everything is fine? I have a wonderful marriage. My husband is loving, faithful, fun, and outdoorsy. He loves God and wants his family to do the same. We worship together. So why would a mistake of my youth come back in my adulthood to haunt me? Because, this is the natural effects of sin and poor choices and a desire to be the "commander of my own life."

God lovingly warns us of making bad decisions not based on His will for our lives. There are consequences. Not punishments, but natural cause and effect type stuff. So am I forgiven of my past? Of course. I've offered it up to God and come to terms with it, and have patiently trained my kids to look to Him for answers. But our world's present circumstances are the way they are because of the poor choices Father Abe made thousands of years ago. And further back to Adam. Our sin effects are far-reaching, and even when a loving God forgives, we have to deal with what we ourselves set into motion.

Do I feel guilt and shame for this? No, I finally dealt with that head on a couple years ago. That's why I'm able to freely talk about a crisis pregnancy and badly failed marriage of my youth. I hope someone is able to learn from my mistakes. But until I lay down my anger it will come back and bite me frequently. I've learned that our only motivation for holding onto anger is to use it against the offender as revenge. So my forgiveness in incomplete. Which makes it not forgiveness at all.

What's my next step? Put away my anger. Let it go. Truly forgive. In the meantime, protect my children's hearts and minds and teach them the right way, so that I'm not instilling in them a cycle of self-righteous anger. As long as teach them that it's ok to be mad, they'll carry that with them. Then it's my fault they don't heal, not his. No matter how badly he behaves.

So thank you for sticking with me this far. The redhead is under control. For now.

Rage, unfiltered

Last night, my children's dad, my ex-husband, called to wish our son a happy birthday.

IT'S NOWHERE CLOSE TO HIS BIRTHDAY.

You want to find out how strong a woman is, take a threatening step toward her child.

I can tell you that if I would have been in physical proximity to him last night, I could have done some damage. My rage was so intense that when I picked up the phone to call him, my own husband, whom I love, vacated the area. Unfortunately, he answered on the first ring, and what happened next is shameful. I used words like "hate", and I told him he was worthless. I may have asked if he was on satan's advisory panel. It got uglier, to the point that I was "shouting in whispers" so the kids wouldn't hear me. I dissolved into bitter, angry tears. What scares me most is my TOTAL LACK OF DESIRE TO LET GO OF THIS HATE. Why do I cling to this emotion? Is it an emotion, or a symptom of something deeper?

I'm sorry if you're reading this now. I'd like to be able to come up with a spiritual point, but the truth is, I need to sift thru my feelings right now, to get them out while they're fresh. I sort of thought the fire would die down when I woke today, when it was light. Maybe a Jekel and Hyde thing. If anything, I feel more determined to hang on to the adrenaline and intesity. I feel like I need a physical outlet. It used to be a batting cage. Now I almost feel like I could hit one out of Fenway park.

Hatred is ugly. I'm ashamed that I don't want to let it go. I would rather it smolder awhile. Almost like if I let it go I've been disloyal to my kids. I don't know. I'm going to go simmer. This time next week I hope to feel better.

Crossroads

What gives? Can I not learn humility some other way than thru my car?

I finally get a great little sports car. Not just once, but twice I get hit. One a hit and run in the night and one a woman in a mini van with no insurance. Then I finish it off myself, narrowly escaping death(let me be a little indulgent, ok?). Well, I bought my parent's crappy car. CRAPPY. Yes, I know. Jonah under the tree whining. Whatever. It's my blog, leave me alone. I'm aware I should be grateful. About a month after I buy it the exhaust system gets a...noise. Not just a little noise, but people on Harleys telling me to keep it down. Jetplane pilots giving me dirty looks. THEN I'm at a special event in my life with strangers and as I opened the car door to leave...the door handle flies off. That's not all. Then I'm getting in the back seat to open my front door, like a week later, and that handle falls off. And I can't seem to open the trunk now. COME ON!!!!

All I want is a pretty car. Why? Why not? They're pretty. At least if it's beat up I want one with character, like an old Jeep Wagoneer with wood panels, or a VW Van.

To tell you the truth at this point in my life I could very easily take all I have and give it to the poor.

And just maybe that's the point.