Rage, unfiltered

Last night, my children's dad, my ex-husband, called to wish our son a happy birthday.

IT'S NOWHERE CLOSE TO HIS BIRTHDAY.

You want to find out how strong a woman is, take a threatening step toward her child.

I can tell you that if I would have been in physical proximity to him last night, I could have done some damage. My rage was so intense that when I picked up the phone to call him, my own husband, whom I love, vacated the area. Unfortunately, he answered on the first ring, and what happened next is shameful. I used words like "hate", and I told him he was worthless. I may have asked if he was on satan's advisory panel. It got uglier, to the point that I was "shouting in whispers" so the kids wouldn't hear me. I dissolved into bitter, angry tears. What scares me most is my TOTAL LACK OF DESIRE TO LET GO OF THIS HATE. Why do I cling to this emotion? Is it an emotion, or a symptom of something deeper?

I'm sorry if you're reading this now. I'd like to be able to come up with a spiritual point, but the truth is, I need to sift thru my feelings right now, to get them out while they're fresh. I sort of thought the fire would die down when I woke today, when it was light. Maybe a Jekel and Hyde thing. If anything, I feel more determined to hang on to the adrenaline and intesity. I feel like I need a physical outlet. It used to be a batting cage. Now I almost feel like I could hit one out of Fenway park.

Hatred is ugly. I'm ashamed that I don't want to let it go. I would rather it smolder awhile. Almost like if I let it go I've been disloyal to my kids. I don't know. I'm going to go simmer. This time next week I hope to feel better.