Serving the world on and off for...a few minutes now...

I'm back!!

I need an outlet. When I write to my friends, I write with a message in mind. But I need a journal, a place where I can get what's happening in my head out onto a tangible plane. That makes no sense, I know. But being clear to YOU is not going to be my goal today. Today it's going to be a little closer to free flow. What's that called? I don't know. Flight of thought or something. Mental diarrhea. Yes, that's spelled right.

Today I know that God has a plan for my life. But lately I'm so discouraged. I'm afraid I took the liberty to envision what God was going to do, and then sort of started "taking necessary steps" to make said dream come true. Here's the rub: (a phrase I'm so sick of...) I'm doing it by myself with little or no results, getting frustrated, and wondering what's taking God so long. Wait, it gets worse. I know that I am leaving God out, promising to make time, and then I just can't get it together to let Him take control. Too busy.

God wants some ME time. He doesn't want it for Himself, He wants it for me. He doesn't NEED me. He knows that I need Him, and He loves me so much that He keeps trying to impress on me that I can't do this alone. God says, "Look what I can do for you," and like Peter, I look down at my feet. Ever get that sinking feeling...yeah, me too.

My brain is noisy. Why won't it be still? Why can't I stop long enough to dwell on God, to seek out His goodness and who He is? I recently read something that asked if I had faith in God because of what He's done, or Who He Is? And only now am I seeing that when God is silent, I lose faith. I want only to be faithful, and I'm seeing how weak I really am. God doesn't need my agenda. He's sick of my arrogant self-sufficiency, and my pride is just getting in the way of seeing Him in everthing, every day.

He's silent because He wants me to seek, and to ask, and knock, and know. And I can't sit still long enough to let that happen. My heart is deceitful. While I know that it lies to me, I also know in my head that God is faithful and true, that He is there, and it would be so much nicer if I came along willingly as He is accomplishing His purpose in me.

My head is cluttered with the things that I can't fix. My church and my world aren't perfect. So what? Am I going to try to fix them anyway, or am I going to start praising God out loud, not caring if anyone follows my example? I need for a revival to take place in my heart. I need a renewed passion and zeal, and I need to get out there and start doing the work that I feel that we need to be doing.

I'm so convicted because one of my daughter's friends, about 20 years old, struck out on her own and went to Cambodia to serve in an orphanage. I'm a little envious. She had some valuable things stolen, but when we talk about it, I can almost see it in her eyes-"don't dwell on that. Those are just things. Ask me about how I spoke of God to people who didn't understand English. Ask about the work I did while I was there. Ask me about my passion for sharing the Lord in a real and needed way." I want to go, too. I want to stand on foreign soil and try to muddle my way thru a foreign language, and see a tiny spark in someone's eye. And then I want to come back saying I was far more blessed by God's work that they.

I think I do, anyway.

A friend of mine is teaching me spanish. I can tell you to shut up, and I can tell you when it's time to go. I can tell you if you're bleeding and ask you how many beers you've had. That should bring people to God.

Enough mental diarrhea.