Getting Over It

I have mad days, and I'll lash out at things, people. And after I have a moment to think about it, I realize I'm soothing a tender spot on my soul.

You know that feeling, that God is speaking in that small voice, so you yell a little to drown it out? Maybe it's that. I know I want to go, I know I want to teach. I wonder, though, how to do it. I want to find that obedience in me, and I guess I mistakenly expect my church to magically bestow it on me. The thing is, our churches aren't there for any other reason than to corporately praise God, taking time out of our busy week to worship Him, and then to equip ourselves and each other to go out that week and reach others. But we find ourselves unwilling to bring people with real problems into our self-serving churches. I don't think our churches mean to be self-serving. I think they are full of people who love the Lord. Our love just gets selfish. We will go and reach out, but only if those we reach are actually deemed by us to be worthy of our love and charity. Do they have the potential to become contributing members, or will they be leeches, sucking away at our resources, just to move on? Is my ability to reach out and love people that greedy? Apparently. I have long lost the ability to love, expecting nothing in return, as if by loving someone unlovale I fear encouraging their bad behavior.

God said love. He meant love. I must follow His lead, because He loved me, the most unlovely of all. Of all the ones He could have invested His life in, I probably have the least potential for great return. And yet He not only loves me, but FIERCELY pursues me.

If I say I have love, but hate my brother, I lie, and there is no truth in me.

I will let go of my self-serving disgust with everyone who isn't enabling my agenda, and I will get over it, and get on with the work I'm supposed to do. Whatever, today, that may be.