Good days aren't just good days. They are incredible. I start the morning off with an "aha!" Word of God moment. I see something I haven't seen before. Or something old becomes new and relevant. I go into my day with a strength and resolve that just yesterday was more like exhaustion and resign. I get it today. I get that I didn't have to be perfect yesterday to accept the love of God today and to live it out as if I always have, in fullness of joy just like I was meant to. It feels good, and I want to share this love with the world! I want everyone to know the freeing, healing love of God!
And then, the voice.
Come on. Who are you fooling? What kind of witness are you? Just yesterday, you were a whole other person. Enjoy it while it lasts because it's temporary. The right temptation, the first sign of trouble, you'll be right back on board with me. Snub your nose at me, but you know it's true. That Cross has no power. You are who you are. Today, you are a fake. Tomorrow, you're mine.
I know it's true. I will be right back on the other side soon, messing up, failing, falling flat on my face and threatening to take the whole of the believing world with me. Only, it's not really like that at all. God's love and forgiveness are absolute. My Abba Father knows and understands my childishness, and while He expects me to love Him with everything I've got, He put a plan into place long before I ever was to help me to get back up and dust my knees off and join the race again.
I have a choice to make at every turn. I can obey my God, or I can get distracted by the unimportant things and eventually find myself upside down and off track, wondering how I got there. I praise God for the Cross, for the blood of His Son, my Saviour, who has His angels standing at the ready, and for the Holy Spirit who reminds me what choices to make-and for my Jesus who picks me up and dusts off my knees, who wipes away the blood and the tears, and holds me. Then He looks me in the face, and says, "Let's get back in there and finish this race."
I don't run the race because I fear death. Death has no power over me any longer, so I can run with boldness. I run for the love of my King! I run because I was created for that purpose! I run because I know He is running beside me, with His angels cheering in the stands, and God is at the finish line waiting for me to run into His arms!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Another bADD Day
Most days I do ok. But there are days when I just can't focus, and I can sense that people who need me to perform are simply tolerating me. I am not the brilliant girl I was just days ago. This inconsistency is glaring. No one knows it more than me. Used to, I thought I was a failure. Now, I understand why I am the way I am. The problem is, others don't. They love the good days! They beam at me, and tell me how clever I am, and it's so hard for me to accept the compliment because I know that in a few days, given the same opportunity, I will disappoint. Try looking at someone and telling them "it's not really my fault, I'm just not in that mode right now." That's right-sometimes the sun goes behind a cloud. And sometimes it's night.
I'm so frustrated that I want to throw my hands up. Sometimes, the bADD days really get me down-especially during heat waves. I know I'm not the only person in the world who has this problem. I know you lose your keys every now and then. I know you forget appointments and phone numbers. That doesn't make you like me. That would be like telling someone with cancer that you get colds so you know how they feel. Not by a long shot. Good news, though! There's help! And for about $150 an hour, I can get that help!
I know that the bad days don't last forever. I think that if I could take the good days and figure out what triggers them, I could perform on demand like the rest of the responsible adult world-the ones who don't forget to pay a bill, who make their beds, who don't get bored while brushing their teeth. Who can write in and remember to check, their day planners for better than one day in a row.
Some people are sympathetic, but they still don't really understand my frustration. A lot of them will offer to pray with and for me, thinking that this is the answer. Well, I need that prayer, but I also need help from someone who has been there-from a knowledgeable person who gets it, and who has better advice than making lists or keeping a planner. Well meaning people say, "Oh, no caffeine for you!" while the professional take on it is, I cannot get enough. (How many of you take no-doze before bed, and rest?)
Being diagnosed with a neurological disorder is not the end of the world-in fact, it's the beginning of mine. The last five years have been a wonderful mix of discovery and renewal. When my counselor told me to "only use my powers for good," I knew that there was a big advantage to ADD. In fact, I am trying to discover the key to hyperfocus (I've been told that there isn't one-it's as fleeting as a comet). I have learned so much about tapping into my creative side, and seeking jobs where ADD is a positive trait (the arts and entertainment fields are wide open for my kind). Now if I could just get the rest of the normal-thinking world on board with me, I might have something!
I'm so frustrated that I want to throw my hands up. Sometimes, the bADD days really get me down-especially during heat waves. I know I'm not the only person in the world who has this problem. I know you lose your keys every now and then. I know you forget appointments and phone numbers. That doesn't make you like me. That would be like telling someone with cancer that you get colds so you know how they feel. Not by a long shot. Good news, though! There's help! And for about $150 an hour, I can get that help!
I know that the bad days don't last forever. I think that if I could take the good days and figure out what triggers them, I could perform on demand like the rest of the responsible adult world-the ones who don't forget to pay a bill, who make their beds, who don't get bored while brushing their teeth. Who can write in and remember to check, their day planners for better than one day in a row.
Some people are sympathetic, but they still don't really understand my frustration. A lot of them will offer to pray with and for me, thinking that this is the answer. Well, I need that prayer, but I also need help from someone who has been there-from a knowledgeable person who gets it, and who has better advice than making lists or keeping a planner. Well meaning people say, "Oh, no caffeine for you!" while the professional take on it is, I cannot get enough. (How many of you take no-doze before bed, and rest?)
Being diagnosed with a neurological disorder is not the end of the world-in fact, it's the beginning of mine. The last five years have been a wonderful mix of discovery and renewal. When my counselor told me to "only use my powers for good," I knew that there was a big advantage to ADD. In fact, I am trying to discover the key to hyperfocus (I've been told that there isn't one-it's as fleeting as a comet). I have learned so much about tapping into my creative side, and seeking jobs where ADD is a positive trait (the arts and entertainment fields are wide open for my kind). Now if I could just get the rest of the normal-thinking world on board with me, I might have something!
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