Another bADD Day

Most days I do ok. But there are days when I just can't focus, and I can sense that people who need me to perform are simply tolerating me. I am not the brilliant girl I was just days ago. This inconsistency is glaring. No one knows it more than me. Used to, I thought I was a failure. Now, I understand why I am the way I am. The problem is, others don't. They love the good days! They beam at me, and tell me how clever I am, and it's so hard for me to accept the compliment because I know that in a few days, given the same opportunity, I will disappoint. Try looking at someone and telling them "it's not really my fault, I'm just not in that mode right now." That's right-sometimes the sun goes behind a cloud. And sometimes it's night.

I'm so frustrated that I want to throw my hands up. Sometimes, the bADD days really get me down-especially during heat waves. I know I'm not the only person in the world who has this problem. I know you lose your keys every now and then. I know you forget appointments and phone numbers. That doesn't make you like me. That would be like telling someone with cancer that you get colds so you know how they feel. Not by a long shot. Good news, though! There's help! And for about $150 an hour, I can get that help!

I know that the bad days don't last forever. I think that if I could take the good days and figure out what triggers them, I could perform on demand like the rest of the responsible adult world-the ones who don't forget to pay a bill, who make their beds, who don't get bored while brushing their teeth. Who can write in and remember to check, their day planners for better than one day in a row.

Some people are sympathetic, but they still don't really understand my frustration. A lot of them will offer to pray with and for me, thinking that this is the answer. Well, I need that prayer, but I also need help from someone who has been there-from a knowledgeable person who gets it, and who has better advice than making lists or keeping a planner. Well meaning people say, "Oh, no caffeine for you!" while the professional take on it is, I cannot get enough. (How many of you take no-doze before bed, and rest?)

Being diagnosed with a neurological disorder is not the end of the world-in fact, it's the beginning of mine. The last five years have been a wonderful mix of discovery and renewal. When my counselor told me to "only use my powers for good," I knew that there was a big advantage to ADD. In fact, I am trying to discover the key to hyperfocus (I've been told that there isn't one-it's as fleeting as a comet). I have learned so much about tapping into my creative side, and seeking jobs where ADD is a positive trait (the arts and entertainment fields are wide open for my kind). Now if I could just get the rest of the normal-thinking world on board with me, I might have something!