I changed my mind. Sue me.

I know what I said. 100% against medication for ADHD. The counselor made a compelling arguement, though, and although I don't believe you should have to argue your patients into medications they are uneasy about, medically his research was mostly sound. I will not post or share his name as this is not a blog for or against him personally or professionally. And so I don't misremember, he wasn't inappropriately pushy.

This will be the objective (I hope) journal of my 30 day trial with Vyvanse. It is a way that I can have some sort of record of my experience. For those of you who know me and read me, I would love your feed back, especially if you see me a lot and notice any changes, negative or positive, that could be attributed to medication. My family is under strict orders to flush the meds if I seem unnaturally agitated or anxious after a few days of adjustment, or if I get weird, bad-edgy, lethargic, stupid, or turn into a Stepford Wife. My daughter is under strict order to shoot Derek and flush the meds if I become a Stepford Wife and he doesn't let on. My kids have permission to go stay at grandma's (any grandma's, preferably in another state) if they hear me complain about the wire hangers. (I don't like them for my clothes because you get shoulder-nipples in your sweaters, but they come in handy when I lock myself out of my car, an unfortunate and frequent habit of ADHD people. But really, they're just wire hangers. If I get freaky about it...)

If you are afraid of me for any reason and don't want to honestly tell me how you feel about my decision or any side effects you notice, you can tell Derek and he will anonymously post for you. That way, I'm getting feedback. I promise as your friend not to hold any comments against you or take offense for what you say. I don't need any help adjusting my personality, so this is not an opportunity for you to "fix" things about me that you didn't like before. I will know. And I will find you. I might add that I'm not sure this is the best time for strong negative opinions; if you feel you need to be ugly, then come to me personally and I'll show you why God gives some of us red hair, and why you're really lucky we're only 1% of the world. Seriously, though, I appreciate your honest opinion stated in love for me, your dear friend. Any fears about my taking medication are appreciated and understood, but you can't possibly be more concerned or worried than I am. Rest assured that I have been praying and seeking counsel, researching diligently, and have multiple plans with family and medical and mental health professionals in place should anyone (who knows me intimately) see any problems. Really, that is all the further you need to read unless you're interested in the minutae and tedium of what happened today. Should you decide to read on, note the following disclaimer-it may not be appropriate for the genteel with its vague hormonal references, and really, it's pretty dull and basically just a personal medical record of sorts. Absent the details, of course. I would be happy (probably disproportionately so) to answer any questions you have about ADHD as a medical issue (not at all psychological, though it has many mental and psychosocial manifestations) as it is a totally exciting, fascinating, and bewildering thing. But then, I kind of have this obsessive self-focus thing going on.

OK, so day one. I picked up my medication and even though the pharmacist said I should start fresh in the morning, I went ahead and took a pill this afternoon. One GLARING warning of this medication, which the counselor, prescribing MD and, disappointingly even the pharmacist deny, is a tendency toward addiction. This is an issue I will take up with them at my follow-up appointments. At about 5pm, a few hours after I took it, I did feel a little euphoria which was not at all unpleasant. I was seeing patients in their homes (literally, not hallucenogenically) and felt rather happy to see them, and extremely chatty. This is my way, to be chatty, but not with an elated euphoric feeling. If you've ever taken an opiate drug for pain (Lortab, Vicodin, hydrocodone, Percocet...) and LIKED it, this very much mimics the euphoric effects in strength but not duration. An addict may be prone to try and recapture or extend that feeling by over-dosing (not overdosing). Derek will be handling my pills for the duration of the experiment, because while I don't feel any kind of need or desire to take another pill, I rather liked the warmth and general feeling of well-being. By 5:15 I was merrily on my way home from my last patient's house about 5 miles from my own. Strangely, I chose to take South Western, which is best avoided at all times, but especially at this time. I had gone a full 2 miles when I realized I was going 35 mph behind an old man, contentedly tapping my fingers on the seat with no music playing. 3 extremely uncharacteristic traits-driving slowly without feeling road rage (the mild kind, not the murderous kind) drumming happily to no music, and not needing music blaring to take the edge off. Classic rock. BobFM or 107.7. Just in case you were wondering. I then realized that I felt hyper-aware of stuff going on around me: I noticed the car in front of me braking, felt the lanes around me that were clear or congested, and just had a level-headed feeling. I am an edgy, fast, and fairly dangerous driver. A recent news story said that there were questions about whether or not ADHD people were safe behind the wheel. For us, yes. For you, honestly, I have to say not. In my case, I have had several speeding tickets (I honestly do not feel I am going that fast, especially on open roads with little traffic, including rush hour) and a couple of accidents.

Well, by 6ish, I had come home and showered, (it's a nurse thing, I think) and Derek, who was off today, called me to dinner. Yes, we have Stepford Husband days. I came to eat the most perfect spicy grilled chicken on baby spring mix salad, with a corn and black bean dip and chips, and as of now, 9:10pm, I have been picking at a moderate serving for almost two hours. This is good food, and I have little appetite.

My kids have gone to their rooms because I am feeling this uncomfortable anxious feeling and things (noise, movement, activity) are getting on my nerves. It could be hormonal which is appropriate today (sorry guys-you were warned) or it could be because I have had a very long and exciting couple of days. Yesterday was chaotic and exciting, then as I began preparing for my appointment today, I called an old friend from my ER days who is a drug counselor and one of the most honest people I've ever known. We haven't spoken in about 3 years, since I left the ER and a little after, and I was devestated to learn he'd lost his battle with cancer. Last year. No one would have known to call me, so I can't be angry, but I cried myself to sleep with this tremendous sense of loss. I took melatonin as usual but couldn't sleep until around midnightish, and woke around 5:30. I say all that because on a good, busy ADHD day it isn't abnormal to have a type of depression or "day after Christmas" let down, and since I've been on sensory overload since about 9am yesterday, I could be facing that. Kind of like marathon runners who get depressed after finishing a race they've been preparing for.

See what I mean about chatty?

Right now, I think the agitation is wearing off. I looked at my plate just now sitting beside me and saw this strange wavy pattern, sort of like the reflection of fan blades, but not. Maybe more like gas fumes, but just on my plate. Ashton finally came back in to talk to me and I didn't feel at all bothered by her. That's not hormonal. Hormonal is all day. I've either chilled out from my long day, or it's the med wearing off.

I don't feel at all sleepy so I'm going to double up on my melatonin tonite to be sure I get a good night's sleep, and then start again in the morning. I can't believe how much I've written. This is like ADHD hyperfocus, but I can't say it's as great as hyperfocus, yet. We'll see when I am taking these pills regular. If so, look for my novel to be out later this fall.

Agitation is gone, strange vision has gone, and I feel kind of normal. My face has been twitchy for about two hours. I forgot to mention that. I feel like I could stay and write but I really need to make myself get on a good sleep schedule.